Have you tested yourself many times, succeeded, and then felt as if you have crested the pinnacle of all available challenges?

You scaled Everest so many times it became monotonous; so you scaled Annapurna, the number one rated peak in the world. It has been attempted 130 times, with 53 deaths–a 41% fatality rate. You survived. Does scaling mountains seem passé and banal? You find it increasingly harder to elevate your adrenaline to a satisfying level. Being chased by 1300 pounds of raging death on hooves at the festival of San Fermin Pamplona–the running of the bulls–has become repetitious. Base-jumping, boring. Punching through grade 6 hydraulics down the Futaleufu, redundant. Skydiving, boring 20 years ago.

Do you need to walk lock step with death to feel alive?

Kiplinger has the anecdote for the venom of apathy. Kiplinger has a storied history calculating the probability of death at specific places, situations, and activities with their unparalleled actuary competence, and are responsible for formulating the complex algorithm for the probable death index (PDI). Kiplinger made national headlines for the first time during the early stages of the Obama presidency. Dick Cheney had a secreted bunker to protect the life of the vice president in the event of catastrophe, which was so covert and clandestine it was the standard of 0.0 on the Kiplinger PDI. After Joe Biden decided it would be a grand idea to tell whomever would listen at the Gridiron Club dinner that the bunker was underneath the old U.S. Naval Observatory, the bunker’s Kiplinger index was raised to 1.9 post-haste.

Kiplinger has now added adventure promotion to their repertoire. They will be offering only the most extreme of escapades imaginable. All of their packages will have a minimum 5.5 PDI. So without further delay, Kiplinger presents the top four most dangerous adventures, based on PDI, available to the most seasoned and discriminating swashbuckling egotist.

4. Somalia. Perhaps what the doctor ordered is a seaworthy adventure that would rival any exploit of Captain Jack Sparrow. Navigating through the majestic seas of Somalia, you will be circumscribed by some of the most august beaches in the world, and of course the usual fare of bloodthirsty and contemporary pirates.

Just the jolt of the wheels touching down at the always American-friendly Aden International Airport in Yemen is enough to elevate your adrenalin to near noxious levels. You can expect to have your head adorned with a custom-made personalized hood as you are whisked away to the nearest port to board your private luxury 140′ Westship Yacht; then, you will promptly glide into the Gulf of Aden stealthily skimming along approximately 10 kilometers off the coast of Somalia. Your yacht will fly the inconspicuous flag of the United States of America, with an equally sized flag replicating the American $100 bill. If you have survived to the Horn of Africa, let the lure of the azure waters of Somalia’s bewitching coast invite you in for a swim. But don’t be alarmed by the ensuing bleeding of the mouth, unusual blistering of the skin, and labored breathing that locals also suffer from their refreshing swims, as your exposure to the toxic waste dumped in the area is more likely than not treatable by the on-board physician.

Just the idea of skimming the coast of a country whose economic foundation consists of pirating and ransom, and has a perpetual lock on last place by Transparency International as the most corrupt country in the world–much to the chagrin of Mexico–should be enough to enjoy your adrenalin operating at optimum levels for hours on end.

Once you have “made a hit” (attracted the attention of barbaric pirates), when a small fleet of motorized fishing boats, appointed with AK-47s and RPGs, start charging towards your vessel at break-neck speed–and considering the country is primary Muslim, this would not be a good time to lose your head–remain calm, this is the thrill you purchased. Even though your antagonized adversaries will be adorned with military-grade automatic weapons, rocket launchers, knives, and machetes, you will be armed with the President of the United States’ weapon of choice for your defense: a sharp tongue with an unlimited arsenal of nonsensical phrases and talking points to defend putting yourself in a ridiculously indefensible and obtuse situation. And, as an added defense mechanism, you can always blame George Bush.

Somalia only ranks 5.4 on the PDI since by purchasing an exit with the same ease that an American politician can purchase their way into office, you too can buy your way out of this fantastic adventure with the $25 million personal ransom bond you are required to procure from Lloyd’s of London, and the $125 million insurance policy covering the yacht. Barring the accidental discharging of a weapon, the uncontrollable urge to hack off an infidel’s head, or the intervention of the U.S. State Department, the chances of your leaving intact with these wonderful memories to share with your grandchildren are almost 50%.

Equipment: Westship yacht lease with $125 million insurance policy, personal insurance policy of $25 million, on-board interpreter to negotiate immediate release of yacht and all persons on-board, and physician trained in chemical burns, toxic waste contamination, and treating bullet wounds.

Price: $$$$$

3. Mexico. Endearingly contiguous to four American states–Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and California–is the remarkably challenging country of Mexico. Mexico enjoys an identical foundational government to the United States’ four branches of government: the executive branch, the legislative branch, the judicial branch, and the iniquitous criminal gang branch. The primary aspect that makes Mexico’s governmental structure and the United States so efficient is their incorporation of the criminal gang branch into their respective legislative branches, thus making one cohesive and nocuous unit.

Lace up your best shoes (running shoes preferred), and experience the wanton violence of Mexico by simply walking across the border and joining Kiplinger’s Downtown Walking Tour. Kiplinger suggests disregarding the State Department’s warning to exercise “extreme caution” when visiting any border town, and the banning of all diplomats from cross-border travel should also be considered bureaucratic folly.

Kiplinger suggests traveling to El Paso, Texas, then strolling across the border to the oasis of Ciudad Juárez. You will be greeted with an arid, yet quite comfortable year-round climate in this Chihuahuan desert paradise, along with a rich history dating back to the Spaniard’s serendipitous visitations circa the 1500s. In sharp contrast to Washington, D.C., the city of Juárez boasts the highest literacy rate in Mexico at 97.3 %, with most people aged 15 and above enjoying the ability to read and write. Once the prosaic historical sites have been consumed–you are here for adventure, not culture, right?–you can explore and hopefully participate in the essence of contemporary Mexico.

The first leg of the tour will be a ditch/vacant lot scavenger hunt. There will be wonderful door prizes for the first to spot a decaying body, perhaps from one of the infamous sexual homicides of women, perhaps from an ordinary run-of-the-mill drug related murder, or perhaps the fresh remains of the local chief of police. In addition to murders and decapitations, you can look forward to enjoying a breathtaking view of world-class kidnappings. Keep your ears at the ready, as the next scream could be a sexual assault or a stabbing, or perhaps just a perfunctory dismembering. If during the tour you become confused by the array of decapitated heads haphazardly adorning the streets, fret not, and just continue moving along; you will more than likely be able to participate in a game of match the heads with their respective bodies within a matter of blocks. Perhaps you could talk your guide into visiting the city dump, and if you are lucky, find a dump made just for human bodies, just like the city of Monterrey has. Monterrey has the record of 51 bodies just this past week. Can Juárez beat that? Can you help?

As the day ebbs to a close, for the finale, you can expect one or two closing events: You may witness an oppressive and heavily armed drug cartel challenge the federal soldiers and law enforcement with grenades, AK-47s, and a sundry of other military grade weapons and explosives. Or, you may witness the orchestrated assassinations performed by prison inmates from a nearby Mexican prison, supplied with vehicles and weapons by compassionate guards and prison wardens, complete with day passes to perform mass executions, war, and various other necessary errands of the cartels. It’s tough to choose a winner here.

But do not judge Mexico’s wanton violence, nor blame the culture of the country, and do not thank this most hospitable country for your adventure, as Mexico’s president Felipe Calderon has so astutely pointed out, “The origin of our violence problem begins with the fact that Mexico is located next to the country that has the highest levels of drug consumption in the world. It is as if our neighbor were the biggest drug addict in the world.” Please give credit where credit is due–the United States Federal Government–so before exiting Mexico, turn north, and salute the United States for making this world-class adventure possible.

Mexico ranks 8.7 on the PDI, as the probability of death or maiming is only from being caught in crossfire, looking ransom worthy, stray bullets, standing too close to a carelessly tossed grenade, or making eye contact with local law enforcement without a pocket full of tips for their efforts.

Equipment: Jogging shoes, sunscreen, personal water supply, bribe money, and myriad documents validating that you do not work for the U.S. Government, Border Patrol, law enforcement, etc.

Price: $¢

2. Detroit. Time for the great American urban adventure, Detroit. You could test your mettle against  Everest’s North Face, hunt man-eaters in wilds of Africa with bow and arrow, challenge grade 6 white water rapids, or any other natural cataclysm provided by Mother Nature, but never before have you been able to test your survival prowess in a God forsaken post-apocalyptic world. A world that would rival the myriad visions flashing through St. John’s mind as he was authoring Revelations. Where a simple trip to the 7-11 will require you to employ every survival skill acquired during a lifetime of adventure, advanced military training, and walking the streets of Dearborn with a bible in your hand, just to return intact.

Once your armored personal carrier’s security platoon comes to a screeching halt just inside the city limits of Detroit, and you are unceremoniously dumped out as the platoon makes a hasty retreat for safer ground, your post-apocalyptic adventure has begun. Detroit has not always been an adventure seeker’s paradise, as it was once one of the wealthiest cities in the country. Before falling victim to liberal policies and labor unions and becoming America’s Baghdad on the Lake, it was the global epitome of industrial might, boasting the highest median income in the country. But that was then, and this is now, so enjoy.

You can expect to be greeted by a barren urban landscape turned into a decimated wasteland the size of San Francisco. As you attempt to negotiate your way through the 40,000 abandoned houses, the wild Detroit savanna of 100,000 vacant lots, and the decaying and rotting structures that were the symbols of manufacturing might, you will be greeted by discarded syringes striking your ankles, gangs, robbers, crackheads, addle headed junkies, and wanton souls wandering the streets, all to give you the challenge of your life. Your AK-47, full military gear, and steel-toed boots will give you a fighting chance of evening the odds, somewhat.

To what or whom should you give thanks for turning one of the most powerful cities in the world into an adventure seeker’s medley? Atomic bomb? Earthquake? Volcanic eruption on the scale of Pompeii? None of the above. Credit can be bestowed upon decades of liberal policies that siphoned the capital and soul out of Detroit. And a big shout-out goes to FDR for forcing the nation’s mightiest city to be subjected to the UAW, and thus starting the slow, agonizing spiral of corporate death. Honorable mentions go to OSHA, environmental laws, federal tax rate of 35%, the ever preposterously dimwitted teachers unions, Washington, D.C., entitlements, crime, drugs, and counterproductive civil rights laws for the wholesale dissipation of humanity and industry of the greater Detroit area. If not for these high-principled and honorable entities, your Detroit trip would be as boring as a trip to Anytown, USA.

Detroit ranks 9.2 on the PDI for obvious reasons, with the 0.8 chance that you survive attributed to Lady Luck.

Equipment: AK-47, combat gear, steel-toed boots, Hazmat suit, .45 automatic, 2 hand grenades, night vision goggles, and a TerraFix 406 GPS emergency beacon.

Price: $$$

1. Arizona. The number one destination and the most imposing, omnipotent, and dangerous reservation for the death defying expeditionist is the 118,000 acre Buenos Aires National Wildlife Refuge in southern Arizona. Nestled against the Mexican border, this idyllic paradise where families in days of yore could expect days filled with hiking, camping, and breathtaking panoramic views of flowing grasslands and mountains, teaming with pronghorns, black bear, falcons, quail, and a sundry of Mother Nature’s fascinating creatures. What the unsuspecting family unit can expect to encounter now are bloodthirsty drug lords, illegal immigrants, human traffickers, marijuana farmers, slave traders, cheap-labor traffickers, and a manifold of terrorists, all of which fall under one collective label by liberal politicians: undocumented democrats.

Unfortunately, the entirety of the 118,000 acres are not suitable for the type of adventure that would garner the number one position as the most dangerous place in the world for an adventure, as our federal government has only surrendered about 3,500 acres of our sovereign rights to our undomesticated rogue neighbors to the south, thus creating the American Fallujah.

This uncivilized and villainous piece of paradise has been closed by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service to the genteel citizenry of the United States, and has been restricted to unfettered access by illegal aliens. Even though this piece of expatriated paradise is off limits to U.S. passport carrying individuals, the Border Patrol has been restricted by the Environmental Protection Agency from entering the area unless on foot or horseback. So in colloquial terminology: the coast is clear. But be advised of one major deterrent: the Border Patrol can submit, in writing, a request to the Interior of Agriculture to enter the area on an appropriate vehicle, then wait 90 days for an answer. So bear that in mind for extended stays.

Do not underestimate this pristine piece of American perdition, as you will need to bring your A Game if you expect to survive guaranteed encounters with armed banditos wielding AK-47s, Russian SKSs, and an unlimited selection of other military grade weapons, sophisticated booby traps, beautifully cultivated marijuana farms (protected by highly trained militia), millions of pounds of human waste and trash, and the occasional bear.

No need to be burdened with the weight of unnecessary and expensive navigational equipment, as negotiating the vastness of this simple piece of purgatory is as easy as following the trail of human heads and disassociated bodies, as they will be your guide for egress and ingress of this enchanting land of dubious dominion.

Arizona was ranked at 8.5, but since Barack Obama and the Justice Department have focused their energy on green-lighting drug cartels operating unregulated within the Great State of Arizona, Kiplinger has been compelled to raise the PDI of Arizona’s National Forests to 9.8, with the remaining areas of Arizona a 9.4.

Equipment: Same as Detroit, plus a couple of rabbit feet.

Price $$$

As Kiplinger has discovered through years of assessments, despite Mother Nature’s wrath and wacky sense of humor in creating a myriad of unattainable natural creations and random acts of God, there is no comparison to the magnitude of danger, devastation, destruction, and human suffering that man can create to be challenged by rugged individuals for sport. So after another couple of years with Obama in the White House and the Democratic led Congress, you can rest assured that Kiplinger will be canvassing the North American continent, and the world, for more unparalleled adventures for next year’s annual catalog of rankings.

Say you were just driving along in your car when all of a sudden your car is being pelted with books of a classical nature, scholarly writings, and dictionaries. You slam on your brakes, exit your car, look up into the sky and witness the horror unfolding. Flying saucers are discharging the aforementioned  literary ammunition through the square shaped barrels of extraterrestrial space guns. All moving objects are being targeted and shot with erudite and literate publications. You look down at the amassing publications, when you are pinged in the temple by Shakespeare’s The Tempest, knees buckling, you slide to the ground and take cover in your automobile.

What could be the cause of such a bizarre attack? There can only be one conceivable and logical conclusion for the cause of this outer-space blitzkrieg: the Martians, intent on taking over the world for sinister and unknown reasons, had one shot, and one shot only, of discovering the one crippling weakness of the human race that could be exploited instantaneously, without chance of recovery, and their one shot was determined by a short but intense observation of one of the more senior politicians of this country, Maxine Waters.

The Martians observed Maxine Waters one afternoon “debating” Ben Bernanke about the nuances of the difference between the Federal Funds Rate and the Discount Rate. And that one afternoon of observation was enough for the Martians to categorically conclude that the human race, especially the most powerful nation on the earth, The United States, was the most ludicrously moronic and stupid aggregation of humanity on God’s green earth, based purely on the profoundness of Maxine Waters’ imbecility.

But the Martians’ ill-conceived plan would fail. The majority of their intended targets did not fall to the ground and writhe with cerebral spasms whilst their heads exploded like popcorn in a microwave–as Maxine Waters’ head would surely do if infected with knowledge–but instead picked up the literary munitions, sat down, and started reading. The Martians, in a disbelieving stupor, retracted their square-shaped extraterrestrial space guns into their flying saucers, hit warp-speed, and disappeared into the heavens.

The world was saved by faulty intelligence gathering by the Martians. They assumed that since Maxine Waters was such a powerful elected official, and was statistically probably one of the four dumbest organisms on the planet, including pets, mummies, trees, and Nancy Pelosi, that the electors must be much dumber. But the one factor that was not calculated into their equation is that in this country, no matter how seemingly smart the voters are, they have a self-inflicted tendency to elect, then reelect, the intellectually and morally reprobate into office, then spend the time between elections complaining about their elected official, then starting the cycle over again, and again, and again.

So with that bit of anecdotal fantasy behind us, Maxine Waters and the vastness of her stupidity sits on the following committees in the House of Representatives:

Financial Services Committee

• Chairwoman, Subcommittee on Housing and Community Opportunity
• Subcommittee on Financial Institutions and Consumer Credit
• Subcommittee on International Monetary Policy, Trade and Technology

Judiciary Committee

• Subcommittee on Crime, Terrorism, and Homeland Security
• Subcommittee on Immigration

She also holds the honor of being perennially named one of the 15 most corrupt members of Congress by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington.

Please find below the video of the back and forth debate between Maxine Waters and Ben Bernanke about the difference between the Federal Funds Rate and the Discount Rate. Keep in mind that Maxine Waters is acting in the capacity of the Financial Services Committee, and if you ever wonder how this government fails at every considerable level,  just remember that it is run by some of the more illiterate of this country. And also keep in mind that this video could potentially cause an invasion of the Martians.

Poor Janet Napolitano. Her peers know her as very capable, but severely handicapped by an unsophisticated gullibility for get-rich-quick schemes. When she strides down the hall at Homeland Security, her underlings scatter like Democrats in chamber with copies of the Constitution being reigned down upon them. You see, each week she is hustling a different multi-level marketing get-rich-quick scam into which she has invested heavily. She also is a chump for believing anything that anyone will tell her. She lost the bulk of her wealth in the 1990’s as the victim of one pyramid scheme after another. It is her gullibility that has caused her to commit one remarkably inane blunder after another, but sadly, there is a morbid and pathetic backdrop to these calamitous stories.

Four of Janet’s blunders:

1. Janie’s statement regarding the fact that she believed that the 9/11 hijackers illegally entered the U.S. through the Canadian border is breathtaking. She professed, “Nonetheless, to the extent that terrorists have come into our country or suspected or known terrorists have entered our country across a border, it’s been across the Canadian border. There are real issues there.” When asked if she was talking about the 9/11 perpetrators, Napolitano replied, “Not just those but others as well.”

In her defense, she was given very bad critical information, but then again, how important is it for the current Homeland Security Secretary to know how the 19 hijackers who murdered 3000 innocent Americans got into this country? The IT guy at the office of Homeland Security told her he had it on good advice from his uncle that all 9/11 hijackers crossed the U.S.-Canadian border at Grand Portage, MN. “If you are sure about this, I will use it to my benefit some day,” she gushed to Eric the IT guy.

2. Janie’s use of the phrase, “man-made disasters,” as opposed to “war on terrorism,” was a painful decision, but one of legal prudence. Judge Marilyn Milian, who presides over daytime television’s The People’s Court, advised Janie that there is a good chance that she could personally be sued for labeling someone, or an entire group, as terrorists. Not only is it not politically correct, and downright offensive, she could be on the receiving end of a defamation lawsuit. Milian also cautioned Janie that if the suit ends up on The People’s Court, “God help you, because I can’t.” Janie said, “Thank you so much. I will use it to my benefit some day.” Thus, Janie prudently made it through her entire Congressional testimony without using the words “terrorist,” “war on terror,” and “9/11″ while discussing how she will do her best to prevent and protect the country from unnamed and unmentionable events.

3. Janie has stated that “crossing the border is not a crime per se.” Janie was reprimanded by her hair stylist’s third cousin, Ernesto Coli, who told her that technically, just crossing the border in some remote area of Texas was not a crime, but that running through a legitimate border crossing manned with guards and agents, without stopping, was a crime. She was advised that that is why there are very few actual illegal crossing-the-border crimes and prosecutions; it’s just not illegal per se. Janie replied, “Sounds good me, if you say so. I will use it to my benefit some day.”

4. Janie stated that, in reference to the Northwest Flight’s attempted passenger-made disaster, “there was so far no evidence of a wider terrorist plot….” Her insurance agent told her he had it on good authority that Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, more than likely, was the only individual left in the Middle East who wanted to do harm to the United States, acted entirely alone, and it would be impossible for a larger plot to destroy the United States to be in existence. “I hope you are right, because I am going to run with it, and use it to my benefit today,” stated Janie.

As the reader can discern, the foundation has been laid for Janie’s magnum opus of get-rich-quick schemes. The FBI has released a series of emails between Janie and Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab dating back to October of this year, which led to Abdul, as she affectionately called him, being aboard Northwest Flight 253 on that fateful day, December 25, 2009.

The emails:

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

Sent: November 19, 2009 6:38 AM

Subject: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Beneficiary. This is to inform you.

CONFIDENTIAL

Good day and compliments. This letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine the future and continued existence of the entire members of my family.

I need to hear from you before I can make consummate this deal to confirm if you are dead or not.

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, heir apparent to the estate of the late Head of State of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, General Ali Katt Abdulmutallab.

My ordeal started immediately after my father’s death on the morning of 8th June 2008, and the subsequent takeover of government by the last administration. The present democratic government is determined to portray all the good work of my late father in a bad light and has gone as far as confiscating all my late father’s assets and properties, freezing our accounts both within and outside Nigeria. As I am writing this letter to you, my cousin Hous Bin Pharteen is undergoing questioning with the government. All these measures taken by past/present government is just to gain international recognition.

I and the entire members of my family have been held incommunicado since the death of my father, hence, I seek your indulgence to assist us in securing these funds. We are not allowed to see or discuss with anybody. Few occasions I have tried traveling abroad through alternative means all failed.

It is in view of this I have mandated DR GALADIMA HASSEIN, who has been assisting the family to run around on so many issues to act on behalf of the family concerning the substance of this letter. He has the full power of attorney to execute this transaction with you.

My late father had/has Eighty Million USD ($80,000,000.00) specially preserved and well packed in trunk boxes of which only my father and I knew. It is packed in such a way to forestall just anybody having access to it. It is this sum that I seek your assistance to get out of Nigeria as soon as possible before the present civilian government finds out about it and confiscate it just like they have done to all our assets. I am willing to offer you 50% of my treasure.

I implore you to please give consideration to my predicament and help a son in need.

May Allah show you mercy as you do so?

Your faithfully,

Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab

N/B: Please contact DR GALADIMA HASSEIN, on this e-mail address for further briefing and modalities

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: November 19, 2009 6:40 AM

Subject: Re: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Abdulmutallab,

Is this a one of those Nigerian email scams I have heard about? If so, do not contact me again. If not, please tell me more. I am interested if this is legitimate. How do I know you really have the money packed as you state? I do have some experience with scams, and need to be sure. Will I truly receive $40 million?

Please advise.

Regards,

Janet Napolitano

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

Sent: November 30, 2009 2:42 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

My Dearest Madam Napolitano,

I can assure you that this transaction is pleased to be legitimate. Please notice attached legitimate photograph taken only one hour ago of the specially preserved and well packed trunk boxes of treasure of $80 million. I prey your eyes are pleasing with it. Please understand time is most urgent for transaction must happen very quickly?

May Allah show you mercy as you do so?

Your faithfully,

Abdul

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: November 30, 2009 2:44 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Abdul,

I feel such relief. I am extremely cautious with trust of this type and what someone confides in me, but I truly do trust you. I am committed to your/our plight. Why me? What is it you need from me? What can I do to assist you?

Regards,

Janet

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: December 4, 2009 2:45 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Abdul,

Please advise. I can operate with speed. Is the money in large or small denominations?

Regards,

Janie

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: December 6, 2009 2:46 PM

Subject: A few more questions

Dear Abdul,

My friend, can I consider myself wealthy? This is too good to be true. I have waited for this for so long. If you only understood.

Warmest Regards,

Janie

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

Sent: December 10, 2009 6:52 AM

Subject: Re: A few more questions

My Dearest Janie,

Your help is needed in careful deciphering of encrypted message, as I believe you are expert, and then a pleasant meeting with DR GALADIMA HASSEIN, who you should prepared to assist in locating the treasures from the ruins of Detroit, where it is secretly hidden in the vast ruins of one, long ago great city. I implore to you meet me at the Detroit airport December 25, then we may enjoin DR GALADIMA HASSEIN. Your much needed financial assists is muchly needed. Please wire transfer from your banking establishment to my banking escrow the sum $45,000 = First National Bank of Yemen = account number XXXXXX = routing number XXXXXX to assure my safe and unencumbered travel to present you to your cipher which will bring you riches, and purchasing for DR GALADIMA HASSEIN a safety army of mercenaries to traverse the deadly paths of Detroit. And please send postal, my attire for me to wear for access to my flight. I may not be discovered. I will need you to ship via postal a nun’s habit. As I may enter passenger security dressed as an ancient nun in wheelchair, with the cipher safe in the habit. I dare not be searched. I have arranged for intermediary with airport security forces if trouble arises without passport. May I depend on your assistance!!

May Allah show you mercy as you do so?

Your faithfully,

Abdul

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: December 10, 2009 6:54 AM

Subject: Re: Re: A few more questions

Dear Abdul,

My dear Abdul. You will never get past airport security dressed as an elderly nun in a wheelchair. The chances of your being strip-searched are tenfold compared to that of a young Muslim man. Trust me, I know. Please follow my instructions for your safe passage: dress casual, pay cash for a one-way ticket, bring very little luggage, carry a copy of the Koran, and please utter repeatedly the phrase, “praise be to Allah.” You will be safe, my friend. No one would have the audacity to search you as such.

J 

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

Sent: December 12, 2009 7:42 AM

Subject: Additional help

My Dearest J,

How shall the cipher be carried to present safe passage!! If lost, our fortune is lost.

Abdul

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: December 12, 2009 7:44 AM

Subject: Re: Additional help

Abdul,

I will transfer the much needed money, my investment. I will send via postal a very special pair of underpants (hope this is not offensive to you), with a hidden department in the “more sensitive area” where the cipher can be hidden. It will pass the most rigorous security. I will see you on December 25 at the Detroit airport.

Best wishes my friend.

J:) xxoo

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@cityofdetroit.gov]

Sent: December 26, 2009 8:22 PM

Subject: I hate you

I hate you. I hate you. You infidel. What pleasure to me are 72 virgins without my XXXXX which has been BURNED off!!!

Do not ever contact me again. I hate you.

P.S. I just now understand your system is working for me. Pleasing meals, prayer times, no one interrogations me, no one speaking to me with harsh tones wanting information, my brothers in Yemen are safe from my tongue, I speak to no one if I choose not. INCLUDING YOU!! My lawyer representative at law told me to say nothing.

Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@cityofdetroit.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: January 6, 2010 2:22 AM

Subject: Re: I hate you

Listen Abdulmutallab, just as I suspected, you were trying to scam me. I never believed a word you said. I was stringing you along, gathering intelligence. You have no idea with whom you are dealing.

It looks like the last laugh is on you, Mr. Disaster-maker. I happen to know that the State Department has revoked your U.S. visa. How do you like them apples?

P.S. If someone wanted to get in touch with DR GALADIMA HASSEIN, how would she go about contacting him? But not about the chests of money, of course.

Janet Napolitano

The score: Muslim terrorists responsible for 9/11 = 18. The subsequent attempts at terrorism on United States soil include those of Richard Reid, the Muslim terrorist who attempted to detonate a shoe bomb on a flight from Paris to Miami, and Abdul Mudallah, who attempted to detonate a bomb over Detroit. Muslim terrorist attempts and successes at terrorism via airplanes = 21. Christian, Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, etc. attempts and successes at terrorism via airplanes = 0.

The White House has labeled this an act of terrorism.

Janet Napolitano made the perfunctory appearances on the Sunday morning talk shows, as politicians do when selling something, or cleaning up a an asinine statement they made the day before. She became more incoherent, confused, and detached from reality with each successive interview. She tried to clean up her Sunday morning discombobulation on Monday morning, but after appearing inebriated with fermented “hope and change,”  she has thusly resigned herself to release a carefully worded accidental exposé to clarify the Obama administration’s stance on the “T” word and explain how the system was a glaring success and failure simultaneously.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s statement regarding the incident:

I first want to apologize for the White House’s use of the word terrorism in their statement. This was an unfortunate involuntary impulse. Keep in mind that the term “terrorism” was a Bush administration dysphemism to fuel the “politics of fear,” and is much too inflammatory for this administration’s tastes. Your president, Barack Obama, has asked me to give a shout-out to the New York Times for their exemplary reporting of Northwest Flight 253. Not once did they use the term “Muslim,” or “terrorist” unless within the context of a quote. Their superbly written article could just as well have been describing any one of the many white supremacists from a Southern Republican voting district, any military veteran, any anti-abortion proponent, or any gun control opponent, or any Christian that takes the Bible literally.

The right-wing terror media has labeled this an act of Islamic terrorism. Let me be clear, just because this individual’s name happens to be Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, was on a plane over a major U.S. city, tried to detonate a bomb to destroy the plane, kill all passengers aboard, including himself, has admitted that he is an Al Qaeda operative, received his explosive device and instructions in Yemen from Al Qaeda, does not automatically make him a terrorist, especially an Islamic terrorist. What we are dealing with here is a passenger-made disturbance, not to be confused with a passenger-made disaster.

We are looking at all possibilities. The passengers who subdued this gentleman, especially the white male Dutch passenger, are also persons of interest for a possible violation of Mr. M’s civil rights, especially his freedom to practice his non-Christian religion unencumbered. Nothing at this stage has been ruled out. We have myriad suspects from this flight who may or may not have been involved in a civil rights violation.

We are unsure at this point as to why this young gentleman would attempt to detonate a bomb on this flight. He has no apparent ties to the Republican Party, the military, anti-gun control groups, or various other “terrorist” organizations. We are also looking into the possibility that the lack of publicly funded single-payer  health insurance plan could be an extenuating factor in Mr. M’s apparent distress.

It’s true that Mr. M’s name was not on the Transportation Safety Authority’s no-fly list. And for legitimate reasons. Even though his name was on every conceivable terrorist watch list in the entire world, and his father warned the U.S. Embassy in Nigeria about his son’s inclinations toward jihad against the United States, there was insufficient derogatory information available on Mr. M for the TSA to add him to the no-fly list. We deal with hard facts, not speculation. Just because someone is on an international terror list, was denied a visa by Britain, visited Yemen, paid cash for a one-way ticket to the U.S., brought one piece of luggage for an extended stay in the U.S., did not have a passport, does not warrant being on the TSA’s no-fly list; this is profiling, and will not be tolerated by this administration. We are certain that our overseas contingency plan worked as planned. We have it on record that he was forced to remove his shoes, and did not carry-on more than one ounce of shampoo. But the pair of magic underpants he was wearing, well that may well be a religious formality, and we have legal looking into it. There is no suggestion that the alleged suspect was improperly screened.

Rest assured that the system we have in place worked to perfection and did not work to perfection. Mr. M’s alleged attempt at a passenger-caused disaster was successfully detained after the flight landed. This validated the system. Before the landing, there may have been areas where the system could be tweaked.

We have put into place the following new procedures: all passengers will have to remain in their seats for the last hour of their flights, no personal items allowed in passengers laps for the last hour of their flights, hands placed upon the knees, and looking straight ahead. These new rules should not be taken as an instruction manual  to go to the restroom well before an hour before landing and assemble an explosive device, then return to your seat with an activated explosive device well before the last hour of the flight. That would be a violation of the new rules that are in effect.

Ever since Obama ascended to the throne of America, wholesale racism has emanated from the bowels of this once unconditionally non-prejudicial country. It wasn’t until a black president was elected, by the majority of citizens, mind you, that racism started permeating the very fabric of this once great country. Not a single source of media can be browsed without an incident of racism or race-based discrimination being boldly highlighted in the headline. The exception to this is conservative media outlets. For some peculiar and iniquitous reason, conservative media seems to be content ignoring the million plus acts of racism taking place in the country every day since Obama was elected. Newsworthy and myriad acts of racism are committed around the clock, yet the conservative media seems to be content with selfishly ignoring these atrocities while enjoying a viewership of many multiples over their liberal media brethren. Shameless.

The admirable folk of Arlington, Virginia are pushing back against industrial racism mandated by Virginia, but at what peril is anyone’s guess. Arlington, Virginia has filed a lawsuit against the state of Virginia to hopefully right a wrong so egregious, it evokes memories of the height of state sanctioned racism. And if Arlington is successful with its lawsuit, the verdict could reverberate throughout this country. It could have the instantaneous impact on racism that the ratification of the 13th Amendment did. With the stroke of a pen, racism and discrimination were eliminated by legislative fiat.

What is this nefarious and scandalous form of racism perpetuated by the state of Virginia of which I speak? Has Virginia reinstated slavery? No. Has Virginia reincarnated Jim Crow era laws? No. Has Virginia unleashed attack dogs and high-powered water hoses on congregating blacks? No, much worse than any of these described atrocious acts.

If you feel your hackles begin to rise on your neck with indignant anticipation of the acts of racism that I am about to unveil, hold steady, as you are likely an accessory to this heinous and disgusting act. I am guilty, and am forever compelled to seek atonement by spreading the word that every metropolitan area and state  is complicit of this crime. It started innocently enough: a few friends and I were out for a joyride on a local turnpike, for expedition of our travels, and hoping for a greener earth, we pulled into the HOV lane. In retrospect, we might as well have hung a hangman’s noose out the window.

HOV lanes. High occupancy lanes. HOT lanes. High occupancy toll lanes. It’s that ugly. These egregiously racist emission-saving and transportation-easement tools of racism have, unfortunately, been unleashed on the minorities of Arlington County.

The facts are these:

Arlington: Race a Factor in HOT Lanes

By SHERRI LY

A lawsuit filed by Arlington County last month claims the lanes benefit wealthy white people and discriminates against minorities. While the only rule to get in the HOV lanes on Interstate 395 is you must have three people in the car, Arlington claims adding HOT lanes would cut out poor and minorities by defacto.

Buried in the lawsuit filed last month, county attorneys argued the HOT lanes, “encourage and enable a financially-able, privileged class of suburban and rural, primarily Caucasian residents from Stafford and Spotsylvania counties operating single occupancy vehicles (”SOV”) unimpeded access on toll lanes.”

In other words, it benefits wealthy white people.

A few pages later, the suit claims the Federal Highway Administration and the Virginia Department of Transportation failed to do the proper environmental analysis and that “their actions also constituted civil rights violations as they discriminated against minority and low income communities.”

Arlington County Chair Barbara Favola says the race issue only arose because the environmental review includes socioeconomic impact.

“It is not our intention to play a race card. I think that’s a very divisive approach,” Favola told FOX5.

Before filing the lawsuit, she says, the board never actually discussed race as a factor and that air quality has always been the chief issue.
“We were concerned about everybody being affected by the project. We thought congestion was not going to be significantly reduced,” Favola said.

It is apparent what is going on here. Immediately following Obama’s election, this country has reverted back to state mandated racism not seen since circa 1860; this brand of racism, according to left leaning pundits, is more rampant and virulent than anything offered up a decade and a half ago. This is not conjecture nor anecdotal accusations, my friends, one only needs to spend a modicum amount of time perusing mainstream media, listening to Democrats, and one will be abhorred at the level of racism that has engulfed this country after Nov. 4.

HOV/HOT lanes, mon Dieu, what’s next, public lynching? Or perhaps a far worse form of racism, the continued disagreement of Obama’s policies and resistance to Fascism. That is a level of racism that cannot be tolerated for any length without rending this country asunder.

The urgency for an answer to the preceding query manifested itself in the most incongruous manner.

During a meeting in the Oval Office, while deliberating the necessity of appointing a start of life/end of life czar, Barack Obama, America’s self inflicted czar, as well as Rahm Emanuel, Chief of Staff, and Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, were startled by a man of mysterious carriage fumbling with an umbrella in one hand, a lightning rod in the other, and sporting a red pair of galoshes that squeaked with each step, who popped his head in the northwest door and asked where the men’s room was located. An incredulous Obama, apparently in his patented high-state of cognizance, with mouth agape, pointed to the left. The following dialogue ensued:

Obama: who the hell was that?

Rahm: that’s your new weather czar; he is supposed to figure out how to control the weather.

Obama: when did I…

Rahm: late yesterday afternoon, after basketball practice.

The conversation was interrupted by a cacophonous symphony emanating from the abutting corridor. Obama, already in a high state of agitation from the encounter with the red galoshes, bolted to the door and peered into the hallway. His corneas were assailed with the sight of what appeared to a poorly orchestrated parade of harlequins. He slammed the door, and walked haltingly back to his chair. Not a word, just the look zeroed on Rahm. “Czars, sir. Your czars. We are running out of room. They’re everywhere.”

With that, Obama, morphing once again into his patented high-state of cognizance, stated, “we are…ummm…. going to…ahhh….you…you…we are….as I have said before…hope and….” The following dialogue ensued after Rahm’s interjection:

Rham: why don’t you call Peter over at OMB and see if they can get a count and manage your czars?

Obama: good idea. You know, I was just thinking the same thing myself before you said it; in fact, I probably thought of it right before you did.

Obama hits the speed dial on the phone while on speaker.

Ring, ring, ring. “Peter Orszag’s Office, how may I assist you?”

Obama: this is Barack Obama, to whom am I speaking?

Unknown answerer: this is Randi, with an ‘i’. I am Mr. Orszag’s secretary czar.

Obama: may I speak with Peter?

Randi: that’s not within my capacity; let me transfer you my under-czar, his secretary.

Obama: thank you.

Peter: Peter Oszag.

Obama: Peter, Barack here. I thought I was being transferred to the under-czar secretary? What’s the deal with your phone protocol over there?

Peter: Well, we don’t quite have all the bugs worked out with the secretaries, secretary czars, and the under-secretary czar. Still a bit of confusion on overlapping responsibilities and whatnot.

With that, Obama picked up the phone, disengaging it from the speaker.

Obama: Peter, I need some help from your office managing my czars. Somehow, I have lost count and accountability of my czars, and I need to get a handle on the situation as there are many more necessary czars I need to appoint. I was… well, how busy are you?…well, you know I was think…how much time can it possibly take to calculate health care reform budge…oh, I see…what about if we…well, what if…ten trillion…that much?…OK, then, I understand. Hoops tomorrow?

The echo of the receiver’s slamming down was still ricocheting around Oval Office, looking for a corner, when Obama turned to Rahm and Kathleen–who had been amusing herself the entirety playing a game of solitary hangman she had devised to occupy her empty hours at the HHS with what appeared to be a tiny stick figure with a pacifier–and said, ” well, the OMB is swamped with whatever it is they do over there; I’m just going to have to eliminate some of my czars.” Rahm stood up and with the greatest of enthusiasm, said, “No! Bad idea. You can’t do that.

“Why not?”

“Quite frankly, the only thing between this office and 10 percent unemployment are your czars. We…I mean you…need to appoint more.”

“I can’t manage what I have now, the hallway, and that weather czar with those red boots. Jesus! What am I going to do, what am I going to do?” said Obama, with his voice trailing off dejectedly.”

“I’ve got it. A czar of czars. That’s it. That’s it. A czar to manage the czars. All the czars will report to the head of czars; we can call the position the Cardinal of Czars,” ejaculated Rahm.

Obama stood up, and whooped, “perfect, let me get the ball rolling with some hope and change for the czars. I will alert the czar of appointments to get started on a short list of candidates.” With that, Obama punched the intercom for his czar of White House secretaries, and vociferated most aggressively into the speaker upon hearing the czar’s voice, “get me Gibbs, stat.” Obama smiled, sat back into his chair, and rubbed his hands together with the deportment of one who just stumbled upon something that could, quite possibly, alter the course of the world.

The phone rang; Obama hit the speaker button, “Gibbs?”

“Yes.”

“Call a press conference immediately. I want you to announce we will be appointing a Cardinal of Czars to manage all my czars.” There was a very audible squeak and a muffled, “For the love of Pete, what the hell am I going”…with that Obama picked up the phone, winked at Kathleen and Rahm, and started in, “Now Robert, hear me out….

It is every American’s patriotic duty, if they are over the age of 65, an active exploiter of Medicare or any other government services, and not contributing retribution, to plan for their departure from American society. If you are over 65, a burden, you should feel duty bound. Now which of you folks here feels patriotic, raise your hand–Barack Obama

Obama articulated the above statement during his speech at a conference on aging and health care for the elderly at a retirement community in Sun City, Arizona. The statement came at the end of the speech, when TOTUS (teleprompter of the United States) became incapacitated at the most inopportune juncture– Obama’s denouement. This left Obama with one treacherous option: live, unscripted, and at the mercy of his incontinent ad libitum prowess.

The ensuing melee was most disorienting. As the Secret Service charged into action to dislodge Obama from the rabid horde of geriatrics who had worked themselves into a mob frenzy– who were very well dressed, incidentally– casualties resulted. Two agents were treated for contusions of and around the head inflicted by cane wielding pensioners, one broken toe, and a barked shin, most likely the result of a formidable octogenarian savage in a wheelchair.

No one, and I emphasize resolutely, no one is more nervous when Obama goes unscripted than White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. Gibbs, Obama’s personal Shaman for misspeak, and consequently the hardest working person in America, was fleet of feet to quell the aftermath of Obama’s misspoken words: “what Obama meant to say, or what he really said was, but you just did not understand because of his superior intellect, is that the health care of seniors is his top priority. How you could interpret what he said any other way, unless you heard it from Rush Limbaugh, is disheartening to your president.”

Within a week of this brouhaha, my friends, I have been burdened with information of the utmost importance and of the most portentous nature. I have been entrusted with information that has been searing a hole in my conscience, indistinguishable from the red-hot intensity created by your tax dollars burning a hole in the pockets of Barack Obama. This trust I must breech, as it seems that if this information is not broadcast, it is highly unlikely I will ever ascend to the age of enjoying half price movies, dinner at 4:30, or brandishing a cavalier disposition regarding my continuously flashing left blinker.

According to my prominently situated source, Barack Obama, while laying out his plans for the “cash for clunkers” complot, proposed the following: remove old, worn-out automobiles from society in favor of a new and younger set of green automobiles. In suggesting that we remove perfectly serviceable automobiles from society that are consuming more than their share of available resources, Obama must have intuitively known that there were manifold applications for his blueprint. Both old and the not so old automobiles must be destroyed, if deemed parasitic. The bounty for relinquishing the most parasitic of automobiles will be $3500-$4500, subsidized by you, of course. The program was a raging success, depleting its endowment of one billion dollars in a week’s time, while simultaneously stimulating the sales of foreign automobiles over domestic automobiles at a 4 to1 pace. Chris Dodd, D-Connecticut, was left in a state of incredulousness at the rapid depletion of tax dollars from the top one percent in the cash-for-clunkers program, stating “Jesus Christ, how the hell did they run through one billion dollars in a week? It is inconceivable. One billion dollars should last, at the very least, 10 days.”

After perusing, studying, and cogitating another remarkable, thoughtful, and glorious vehicle for relocating hard earned assets from the top five percent to the receptive ninety five percent, Obama was suddenly percussed with an epiphany: the parallels between his cash-for-clunkers program and his unfeigned remedy and disdain for this nation’s miserably broken health care system were incongruously interchangeable.

Obama and Rahm Emanuel, after aggregating their collective intellect, then analyzing, auditing, and pondering, arrived at the conclusion that seniors (old folks), are methodically and literally stealing billions of dollars from the federal budget each year just by living, trying to scratch another year out of their woebegone lives at the expense of the healthy. Also concluded in their congress was the indisputable fact that a dangerous drawback of having one of the most advanced health care systems in the world was that people are living too damn long, well past their usefulness, and irritatingly happy to cap it off. Their conclusion: these seniors are a selfish lot who desire to become, God forbid, old and happy. Their antidote was twofold: [1] to address the long term problem of eliminating octogenarians by implementing government run health care, which would, in a few short years, make living to an advanced age archaic, and [2] immediate eradication of seniors from Medicare is of the utmost importance to preserve the tax revenue from the top five percent for the benefit of the other ninety five percent, and endow the government run health care system for the healthy and young.

The urgency for discussing the long-term extermination of the antediluvian under Obama’s circuitous route to genocide for the long in tooth would be pointless and, quite frankly, a time consuming exercise in academics at this critical juncture. Let us focus on the more immediate danger to the aged. In House Bill H.R. 3200, Section 1233, the clause, “Advanced Care Planning Consultation, “essentially states that, when over the age of 65, consultation for your options for end of life every five years is a prerequisite for continuing Medicare coverage. This is ominous in and of itself, but as I declared earlier, I have been burdened and enlightened with Obama’s plan to amend this clause.

Obama’s plan in its totality: by combining cash-for-clunkers and Medicare, Obama can euthanize two birds with one stone. Medicare will be relocated from under the Health and Human Resources umbrella to the permanent confines of the Transportation Department, with Ray LaHood overseeing both transportation and elderly care, a most befitting engagement since LaHood is marshalling the demise of resource wasting automobiles and now can oversee the termination of parasitic grandparents. Ray LaHood will continue policies put into place last week by the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices for the Center for Disease Control and Prevention of leaving seniors over the age of 64 off the list of vaccinatees to be inoculated against the Swine Flu; the elderly and their own antibodies now must fend off the H1N1 blitzkrieg without the aid of inoculatory allies.

Those possessing a weak constitution are hereby advised to take seat and prepare, as the most ominous installment of the amendment is to be unveiled to the seasoned and innocent alike. LaHood has been charged with the portentous vocation of implementing a cash-for-gramps program to operate in tandem with the cash-for-clunkers. Not all is for naught, as there is value for pre-aged family members: vouchers for health care entitlements depending on the plan. The benefiting family can choose one of four options: 1) have the Transportation Department dispose of gramps and receive $8500 in health care vouchers; 2) have gramps consent to move to Canada or England and enjoy all the free health care they can get and start the dying process immediately (guaranteed to extend their life expectancy by at least 5% of pre-Obama years), and receive $12,000 in health care vouchers; 3) turn in gramps with an automobile that averages less than 15 miles per gallon and receive $4500 cash and $10,000 in health care vouchers; 4) turn in a car, but cling to gramps, and when the government’s attempt of operating a health care system has beaten them into such an agonizing, anguished, and despicable state, turn them in for $1500, but the offer would expire 45 days after implementation of the draconian ruse of medicinal emancipation.

Under the auspices of compassion, Obama necessitated that LaHood require the end of life counselors be degreed psychologists and ASE certified automobile mechanics to better assist with the transition of losing a loved one and a treasured vehicle simultaneously, as it is Obama’s belief that some people become extraordinarily attached to their automobiles.

Obama’s government health care plan will also utilize the taxes of the top five percent for the procurement of abortion on demand. As Obama and Rahm bantered in the Oval Office, “an eight pound, six ounce of prevention is worth a billion dollars of cure.” Obama opined that resource users are not limited to just the elderly; he and Rahm deliberated the elimination of “retards, cancer patients, and wounded soldiers,” and the cost savings that a young, healthy, and Democratic Party voting country could enjoy. In defense of Obama, I must reluctantly declare, this was just jovial bantering between two Bolshevistic comrades, and no plans were solidified to advance beyond blueprint status within the next thirty days.

I beseech you one and all, do not belay the necessity of action because of a faux security buttressed by your youth and your, knock on wood, fortuitous escape of the above cited inflictions and infirmities. Discounting the fact that one day you will be of advanced age, God willing and despite Obama, and dependent on advanced medicine, focus on the immediate future. Once the labyrinthine tentacles of the Obama administration and this Democrat Congress permeate the current health care system, you will rue the day of your apathetic disposition regarding the forthcoming health care apocalypse. Action, and action now, is imperative.

Please affiliate yourself with the ever expanding preponderance of citizenry consisting of the aged, infirmed, afflicted, self reliant, mob mentality, political terrorists, thugs, Nazis, and dapperly dressed, swastika carrying patriots who oppose the degeneracy and descent of the world’s most innovative, desirable, and unparalleled health care to the depths of squalor and fallacious existence that the Democrat Congress and Barack Obama enjoy. And hopefully you will be able to live a long and healthy life, and hang on to Grammy and Gramps until their forecasted expiration ages of 80.7 and 75.4 years, respectively.

Washington–White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, released an official statement from Barack Obama apologizing to anyone who may or may not have been under the perception of being upset by Air Force One, with an F-16 in pursuit, buzzing ground zero in New York, various buildings along the Hudson, rattling office windows in a no fly zone where the last time a jet graced these skies, it slammed into the World Trade Center towers, across the Verrazano  Bridge, then for good measure, buzzed the Statue of Liberty’s head, all the while terrorizing anyone in sight.

Gibbs went on to state that if anyone felt uncomfortable, perhaps even to the level of having water poured up their noses, by having to manically stampede out of skyscrapers while trampling their fellow New Yorkers, screaming hysterically, running for their lives, and wondering about their families, then Barack Obama, your President, is sorry you felt that way.

Shortly after Gibbs apologized for Obama, I spoke with my White House source, on condition of anonymity of course, and he said the White House considered the photo op a smashing success.

While negotiating the various financial institutions’ bailouts, Obama crafted a deal with MasterCard to produce a few of their commercials while at the same time starting his 2012 campaign. They agreed upon three commercials in exchange for a bailout they did not want. The buzzing of New York was the first one produced. The premise of the commercial, which is in jeopardy of not airing because of the “bourgeois crybabies”, as Obama calls them, is:

Air Force One: $100,000 per hour and twenty three tons of carbon into the atmosphere

F-16 fighter jet: $50,000 per hour and fourteen tons of carbon into the atmosphere.

Total cost of commercial: $350,000 of recession era taxpayer money.

Looks of terror, panic, alarm, horror, hysteria, and certain death on the faces of New Yorkers: priceless.

The anonymous source also stated, “The city of New York, and especially Mayor Bloomberg, could not be made aware of the commercial shoot because if the citizens were warned, then there, quite frankly, would not have been a citywide panic, and the effect of authenticity would have been lost. Obama has a keen eye for authenticity.” The source also said that Obama had already developed two more ideas for the remaining commercials: One was to have teenagers dressed in black trench coats, armed with prop AK-47s, run down the halls of Columbine screaming about being bullied; the other would be to emerge from the Tomb of Jesus next Easter dressed in circa 1 anno domini garb. But MasterCard was unwilling to continue with the series because of the onerous effect working with the Obama administration would have on their profits if the New York commercial ever aired. They canceled the two remaining commercials, and promised to never, ever air the New York commercial, and are currently in the process of trying to give the bailout money back, but have run into an odd situation where the lender will not let them repay their loan.