EPA Condemns Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Where is Rev. Jeremiah Wright? After a three day aggressive press junket to disparage Obama, he has apparently slipped into oblivion since becoming persona non grata in the Obama camp for maligning his protégé , Barack Obama, this past weekend.

The following article appeared in a local Dallas, Texas newspaper Tuesday morning.

 

Man Able to Produce Gamma Radiation

Tim Foyle/Dallas Morning News

“In the 38 years the EPA has been in existence, this is the first time we have ever had to take action against an organic organism that was emitting a deadly level of gamma radiation by using self propelled subatomic particles.” said Jeremy Pleak, Chief Radioactive Investigator for the EPA. “In fact this defies all know nuclear theorems in the scientific community.”

“The EPA has the subject in quarantine, but there is a battle playing out in Federal Court with one side trying to keep the subject in lock-down and the other side, with the help of the ACLU, frantically working for the release of the subject.”

Jeremiah Wright, while preaching at the Dallas Friendship West Baptist Church this past Sunday, was stopped mid-sermon by an ever increasing screeching sound emitting from the pews. June Oswald forgot to turn off her Panasonic model 431 personal Geiger counter as she switched off her cell phone before the service started. The 431, lay always ready for action, in her purse on high alert. When she, embarrassingly, reached into her purse to turn it off she noticed that it was reading 225 mrems of radiation. Since Rev. Wright had paused his preaching for a moment due to the provoking screeching, the 431 retracted back into silence. For safety reasons, the mrems were too high for a simple and immediate override of the off-switch. June thought nothing of it and left it alone so as to not draw anymore attention to herself since she believed the 431 had been infirmed by a malfunction since it went off in a church, of all places.

Rev. Wright began where he left off about how it is historically accurate that Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson and the entire class of founding fathers had conspired, while concurrently writing the Declaration of Independence, to formulate some type of plague that would eradicate blacks from these fledgling United States. June’s 431 began its sermon disrupting screeching again. Rather than draw more attention to herself by frantically breaching her purse, she opted to hastily adjourn to the restroom.

When Rev. Wright’s highly inspirational service had concluded, Rev. Wright was shaking hands at the exit doors with the freshly inspired parishioners, and was fervently counseling everyone passing through the doors to “God damn America”. June exited the restroom and tried to slink out without being noticed and being attached to the screeching. June, with her head bowed, shook his hand upon exiting the church, he asked her to “God damn American”, the 431 started screeching in timbres of a highly irritating and assaulting manner.

At this point, logic was forcing a correlation between the 431’s screeching and Jeremiah Wright onto June’s cerebral mechanics . June, being of mixed spiritual disposition–half Rev. Wright supporter and half Christian–was torn as to what path to take on the apocalyptic fork in the road that had presented itself. Eventually the Christian half claimed victory and she dialed the emergency number for the EPA emblazoned on the back of her 431.

What happened next was a labyrinth of legal maneuvers consisting of injunctions, restraining orders, gag orders, detain orders, release orders, etc. The legal wranglings were launched by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton in a legal tug-of-war with Jeremiah Wright, audaciously, perched in the middle.

The Dallas Morning News article continued….

The subject, Jeremiah Wright, was picked up shortly after speaking at the National Press Club on Monday. After a search and scan of his hotel demonstrated enough radio active residual to justify an arrest warrant, Wright was picked up by 14 U.S. Marshals in code red radio active raiment.

“As soon as we had him detained and locked down, we scanned him and he registered 314 mrems,” stated Pleak. Our first thoughts were he may have been carrying a spent radioactive rod in his pocket, but a search dispelled that.”

“The best we can guess at this point, the radiation, is akin to spontaneous human combustion. Just a different outcome. The best we can figure out at this time is there is probably a perfect combination and balance of hate, ego, greed, antisemitism, arrogance, racism, and possibly some super-natural powers mixed in, that could be causing the radiation,” said Pleak.

“We were only able to conduct one test before being served with an injunction. We placed Rev. Wright in a low-lit, calm room with soothing music playing in the background. He registered 0 radiation. Then we played a documentary of Thomas Jefferson with Anita Bryant singing “God Bless America” in the background. The Rev. Wright started glowing with an orange hue about him.”

“Our concern at this point is that we believe he is capable of causing others to become spontaneously radioactive, but don’t know for sure because, as of this hour, there is an injunction in place suspending all testing.”

Apparently Hillary Clinton is working vociferously with the ACLU to get Wright released and has already scheduled 7 press conferences for him in anticipation of his release. It is unclear what her motivation might be to have Wright freed and chatting up the press.

Conversely, Barack Obama, is working equally as hard to keep Wright in lock-down at the very least until sometime in November. Barack has stated as recently as Tuesday, clinging to his palaeoanthropology skills, “This is not the man I knew twenty years ago. The man I knew then was younger, less wrinkled, and had much less gray hair.” He also stated, “You can take my word about his past hateful rhetoric or the tapes that the church as been selling in the lobby for 20 years of his sermons. It’s your choice which one you choose to believe.” Obama also stated that his wife, Michelle, believes that this Jeremiah Wright could be a double agent in the employ of all white people living in the United States, including his own Grandmother. Obama also reiterated that Wright has not had any negative influence on him pertaining to anti-American sentiment or hatred of white America. “If there has been any discernment of racism or anti-American rhetoric from any of my speeches, I can promise you it was not influenced by Rev. Wright–but by my wife, Michelle.”

In one of the most damning rebukes to date of Wright by Obama, Obama has removed Wright from his myspace friend’s page.

If you have wondered where Rev. Wright has been since Monday, now you know. When he does get released, he can write his own ticket to fame and fortune. But only after he takes a small reprieve from the spotlight and recharges his batteries in his 2 million dollar house in a gated white community. Which was paid for with currency from his congregates that were duped into underwriting his radioactive discourse’s treasures. Who, incidentally, must reconcile their neighborhoods, which are far removed, from the environment that Wright has chosen to reside.