Hillary Clinton Hospitalized

Hillary Clinton was hospitalized this morning apparently suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.

A spokesperson for Bellevue hospital issued the following statement: “Hillary Clinton is a patient in our psychiatric ward and is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Her symptoms of cognitive confusion with reality and fantasy, and an uncontrollable urge to misspeak, caused concern with her campaign and help was sought. After a thorough due-diligence of her medical history, we believe she was afflicted with PTSD from her many life threatening missions as First Lady. Her symptoms were dormant and did not manifest themselves until she was elected to the Senate. The symptoms grew increasingly more severe as she started her bid for the Presidency. We are doing everything in our powers to reattach her to reality.”

Taking time away from her “The Blind leading the Blind” tour of college campuses in support of her mother’s presidential campaign, Chelsea Clinton, who has become the de facto speaker for her mother, stated that after Hillary Clinton recounted her life threatening trip to Bosnia in 1996 in excruciating detail , she was so overwhelmed with flashbacks, that she became physically ill and vomited on James Carville backstage after the speech.

Chelsea continued, “After the speech my Mother’s disorder worsened. When she saw the video replaying her landing in Bosnia, she basically cracked.” When asked about their being no violence in the footage of the landing, Chelsea said that the footage being circulated has been doctored and the violence of the landing and the battle on the tarmac has been photo shopped out of footage. “We are in possession of the original footage and are willing to share it with the world. I will attest to the truth of what she said happened. I was there. I saw it firsthand. I have a scar on my knee from shrapnel. If necessary, I will swear under oath, just like my Daddy did, that it is all true.”

“My mother knew she was risking her life by leaning down to hug that little Bosnian girl. She knew for a fact that the little creature was either a terrorist or part of a vast right-wing conspiracy out to kill her. If you will take a closer look at the photo being circulated, you will notice the right arm of the girl is in my mother’s ribs. She had a shive pressed to my mother’s heart. The little terrorist was distracted by the two body guards being shot, and my Mother was able to, one more time, part company with death.”

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When pressed for more details about what part of her life-threatening reminiscing set her mother off, Chelsea stated, “What you have to understand is it was not just this one mission. It was the accumulation of much more dangerous missions. My Mother had been on several life threatening trips leading up to the Bosnia trip. As my Mother has stated before, Togo West, the Secretary of the Army, always insisted on sending my mother. My Mother said that Togo said that, “…if a place is too small, too poor, or too dangerous, the president couldn’t go, so send the First Lady.

Chelsea went on to state that just three weeks prior to the Bosnia trip, Osama bin Laden was spotted in a desert terrorist training camp in Afghanistan. “My Mother, myself, Carrot Top, and Melisa Etheridge were to parachute from a military plane into the camp in the dark. Fortunately for Bin Laden, the trip was canceled mid-flight and we were diverted back to the U.S. to join a more dangerous mission—the NATO peace keeping mission to Detroit.”

Chelsea surmised the treatment her Mother is receiving from the press, “We believe the press is showing bias in Obama’s favor and he is behind the continuing circulation of the doctored video of the Bosnia mission. It has humiliated my Mother and caused her grave mental distress and more importantly, has caused a greater disruption among the Super Delegates. We will present to the citizens of the United States, the media, and the Super Delegates, the raw and actual unaltered, non-photo shopped, completely untampered with footage that Mark Penn came across in the unreleased papers from my Mother’s years in the White House as First Lady. My mother coined a phrase that fits this film very well: ‘The truth will set you free’. That is all I have to say, because quite frankly, nothing else is any of your business.”

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