Senate Calls Temporary Halt to Stimulus Negotiations

In a stunning twist of fate for the Obama administration’s stimulus package, the Senate has called off all discussions until further notice. Rep. Jim DeMint, (R-SC), called for the halt amid newly discovered information that could possibly fund the entire spending package sans taxpayer money. A cursory run-through of the breathtaking information was enough to pique the curiosity of the Democratic leadership of the Senate, without having to disclose the full ramifications of the burden it would impose on the left-leaning legislators.

After the official suspension of the stimulus package, DeMint confidently presented a surprise guest speaker to bolster and validate this new information, and assist with the implementation of his overhauled spending package. As the surprise speaker emerged from the shadows, the chamber erupted with audible interjections of gasps of varying severity. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geitner approached the podium in an unprecedented move of parliamentary malfeasance, but was accepted with murmured indignation. Geitner beseeched the Democrats of the Senate to stop their murmuring and let him plead his case. Geitner pleaded with the Democrats of the Senate to please pay their taxes, all of them, plus interest. He said he would wave all penalties if compliance happened within a fortnight. The booing and jeering from the left side of the chamber was deafening. Once the sergeant at arms had restored order, Geitner implored the Democrats to listen to what DeMint had to say, as it could very well salvage America’s economy.

DeMint took the podium and promptly started his presentation with the use of Power Point. He quelled the cacophony by projecting on the screen a potential revenue windfall dollar amount that would rival most civilized countries’ GNP. The digits that danced on the screen bordered the fantastical because of their colossal profundity. DeMint introduced to the Senate the team responsible for the aggregation of numbers: Dr. Kyle Russell, Director of Domestic Economic Policy at the Tenzing Institute of Economics, David January, professor emeritus of the Harvard School of Statistics, Dean Jarse, head of the Internal Revenue Service’s Tax Fraud, Statistics, and Probability of Fraud department. With mathematical certainty, using highly specific and sophisticated algorithms, probability formulas and theory, and some recently discovered venerable probability formulas of Pascal, the brain trust came to the following conclusions:

The stimulus plan, as it stands, is $884 billion of taxpayer money. According to sophisticated formulas, if the tax records of Obama and his entire cabinet and staff were to be audited, and the estimated taxes owed paid, that would net the government between $2.4-$2.6 billion; if the entire congressional Democrats were subjected to the same regimen, it would net between $275-$300 billion; if all former Democrat congressional members as far back as the IRS’s statute of limitations reach, were subjected to the same regimen, that would net between $325-$342 billion; if every state’s Democrat congressional members, present and former, within the statute of limitation, were subjected to the same regimen, that would net between $475-$500 billion. The total net that the government could potentially gain could be upwards of $1.1 trillion, an astounding $300 billion more than the proposed taxpayer plan that Obama has inveigled the hapless legislators with.

When asked how he came up with the idea of auditing all Democrats, Jim Demit said, “After a closer examination of the tax filings of Charlie Rangel, Nancy Killefer, Timothy Geitner, and Tom Daschle, it became apparent that they had constructed their own IRS form, the 1040DEM (see below); and also overhearing Tom Daschle and Charlie Rangel asking Sen. John Cornyn to again remind them why Americans get stressed on April 15th. The Democrats have been perpetuating this fraudulent form since early in the Clinton administration. When the information was converted from the 1040DEM to the 1040 that the rest of us have been using, Rangel’s, Killefer’s, Geitner’s, and Daschle’s back taxes were .01 of the GNP. And that got me to thinking….”

.

Posted to Media,Politics | Comments (3) | Email This Post |