Poor Janet Napolitano. Her peers know her as very capable, but severely handicapped by an unsophisticated gullibility for get-rich-quick schemes. When she strides down the hall at Homeland Security, her underlings scatter like Democrats in chamber with copies of the Constitution being reigned down upon them. You see, each week she is hustling a different multi-level marketing get-rich-quick scam into which she has invested heavily. She also is a chump for believing anything that anyone will tell her. She lost the bulk of her wealth in the 1990′s as the victim of one pyramid scheme after another. It is her gullibility that has caused her to commit one remarkably inane blunder after another, but sadly, there is a morbid and pathetic backdrop to these calamitous stories.

Four of Janet’s blunders:

1. Janie’s statement regarding the fact that she believed that the 9/11 hijackers illegally entered the U.S. through the Canadian border is breathtaking. She professed, “Nonetheless, to the extent that terrorists have come into our country or suspected or known terrorists have entered our country across a border, it’s been across the Canadian border. There are real issues there.” When asked if she was talking about the 9/11 perpetrators, Napolitano replied, “Not just those but others as well.”

In her defense, she was given very bad critical information, but then again, how important is it for the current Homeland Security Secretary to know how the 19 hijackers who murdered 3000 innocent Americans got into this country? The IT guy at the office of Homeland Security told her he had it on good advice from his uncle that all 9/11 hijackers crossed the U.S.-Canadian border at Grand Portage, MN. “If you are sure about this, I will use it to my benefit some day,” she gushed to Eric the IT guy.

2. Janie’s use of the phrase, “man-made disasters,” as opposed to “war on terrorism,” was a painful decision, but one of legal prudence. Judge Marilyn Milian, who presides over daytime television’s The People’s Court, advised Janie that there is a good chance that she could personally be sued for labeling someone, or an entire group, as terrorists. Not only is it not politically correct, and downright offensive, she could be on the receiving end of a defamation lawsuit. Milian also cautioned Janie that if the suit ends up on The People’s Court, “God help you, because I can’t.” Janie said, “Thank you so much. I will use it to my benefit some day.” Thus, Janie prudently made it through her entire Congressional testimony without using the words “terrorist,” “war on terror,” and “9/11″ while discussing how she will do her best to prevent and protect the country from unnamed and unmentionable events.

3. Janie has stated that “crossing the border is not a crime per se.” Janie was reprimanded by her hair stylist’s third cousin, Ernesto Coli, who told her that technically, just crossing the border in some remote area of Texas was not a crime, but that running through a legitimate border crossing manned with guards and agents, without stopping, was a crime. She was advised that that is why there are very few actual illegal crossing-the-border crimes and prosecutions; it’s just not illegal per se. Janie replied, “Sounds good me, if you say so. I will use it to my benefit some day.”

4. Janie stated that, in reference to the Northwest Flight’s attempted passenger-made disaster, “there was so far no evidence of a wider terrorist plot….” Her insurance agent told her he had it on good authority that Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, more than likely, was the only individual left in the Middle East who wanted to do harm to the United States, acted entirely alone, and it would be impossible for a larger plot to destroy the United States to be in existence. “I hope you are right, because I am going to run with it, and use it to my benefit today,” stated Janie.

As the reader can discern, the foundation has been laid for Janie’s magnum opus of get-rich-quick schemes. The FBI has released a series of emails between Janie and Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab dating back to October of this year, which led to Abdul, as she affectionately called him, being aboard Northwest Flight 253 on that fateful day, December 25, 2009.

The emails:

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

Sent: November 19, 2009 6:38 AM

Subject: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Beneficiary. This is to inform you.

CONFIDENTIAL

Good day and compliments. This letter will definitely come to you as a huge surprise, but I implore you to take the time to go through it carefully as the decision you make will go off a long way to determine the future and continued existence of the entire members of my family.

I need to hear from you before I can make consummate this deal to confirm if you are dead or not.

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, heir apparent to the estate of the late Head of State of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, General Ali Katt Abdulmutallab.

My ordeal started immediately after my father’s death on the morning of 8th June 2008, and the subsequent takeover of government by the last administration. The present democratic government is determined to portray all the good work of my late father in a bad light and has gone as far as confiscating all my late father’s assets and properties, freezing our accounts both within and outside Nigeria. As I am writing this letter to you, my cousin Hous Bin Pharteen is undergoing questioning with the government. All these measures taken by past/present government is just to gain international recognition.

I and the entire members of my family have been held incommunicado since the death of my father, hence, I seek your indulgence to assist us in securing these funds. We are not allowed to see or discuss with anybody. Few occasions I have tried traveling abroad through alternative means all failed.

It is in view of this I have mandated DR GALADIMA HASSEIN, who has been assisting the family to run around on so many issues to act on behalf of the family concerning the substance of this letter. He has the full power of attorney to execute this transaction with you.

My late father had/has Eighty Million USD ($80,000,000.00) specially preserved and well packed in trunk boxes of which only my father and I knew. It is packed in such a way to forestall just anybody having access to it. It is this sum that I seek your assistance to get out of Nigeria as soon as possible before the present civilian government finds out about it and confiscate it just like they have done to all our assets. I am willing to offer you 50% of my treasure.

I implore you to please give consideration to my predicament and help a son in need.

May Allah show you mercy as you do so?

Your faithfully,

Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab

N/B: Please contact DR GALADIMA HASSEIN, on this e-mail address for further briefing and modalities

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: November 19, 2009 6:40 AM

Subject: Re: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Abdulmutallab,

Is this a one of those Nigerian email scams I have heard about? If so, do not contact me again. If not, please tell me more. I am interested if this is legitimate. How do I know you really have the money packed as you state? I do have some experience with scams, and need to be sure. Will I truly receive $40 million?

Please advise.

Regards,

Janet Napolitano

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

Sent: November 30, 2009 2:42 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

My Dearest Madam Napolitano,

I can assure you that this transaction is pleased to be legitimate. Please notice attached legitimate photograph taken only one hour ago of the specially preserved and well packed trunk boxes of treasure of $80 million. I prey your eyes are pleasing with it. Please understand time is most urgent for transaction must happen very quickly?

May Allah show you mercy as you do so?

Your faithfully,

Abdul

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: November 30, 2009 2:44 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Abdul,

I feel such relief. I am extremely cautious with trust of this type and what someone confides in me, but I truly do trust you. I am committed to your/our plight. Why me? What is it you need from me? What can I do to assist you?

Regards,

Janet

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: December 4, 2009 2:45 PM

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Request For Urgent Business Relationship

Dear Abdul,

Please advise. I can operate with speed. Is the money in large or small denominations?

Regards,

Janie

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: December 6, 2009 2:46 PM

Subject: A few more questions

Dear Abdul,

My friend, can I consider myself wealthy? This is too good to be true. I have waited for this for so long. If you only understood.

Warmest Regards,

Janie

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

Sent: December 10, 2009 6:52 AM

Subject: Re: A few more questions

My Dearest Janie,

Your help is needed in careful deciphering of encrypted message, as I believe you are expert, and then a pleasant meeting with DR GALADIMA HASSEIN, who you should prepared to assist in locating the treasures from the ruins of Detroit, where it is secretly hidden in the vast ruins of one, long ago great city. I implore to you meet me at the Detroit airport December 25, then we may enjoin DR GALADIMA HASSEIN. Your much needed financial assists is muchly needed. Please wire transfer from your banking establishment to my banking escrow the sum $45,000 = First National Bank of Yemen = account number XXXXXX = routing number XXXXXX to assure my safe and unencumbered travel to present you to your cipher which will bring you riches, and purchasing for DR GALADIMA HASSEIN a safety army of mercenaries to traverse the deadly paths of Detroit. And please send postal, my attire for me to wear for access to my flight. I may not be discovered. I will need you to ship via postal a nun’s habit. As I may enter passenger security dressed as an ancient nun in wheelchair, with the cipher safe in the habit. I dare not be searched. I have arranged for intermediary with airport security forces if trouble arises without passport. May I depend on your assistance!!

May Allah show you mercy as you do so?

Your faithfully,

Abdul

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: December 10, 2009 6:54 AM

Subject: Re: Re: A few more questions

Dear Abdul,

My dear Abdul. You will never get past airport security dressed as an elderly nun in a wheelchair. The chances of your being strip-searched are tenfold compared to that of a young Muslim man. Trust me, I know. Please follow my instructions for your safe passage: dress casual, pay cash for a one-way ticket, bring very little luggage, carry a copy of the Koran, and please utter repeatedly the phrase, “praise be to Allah.” You will be safe, my friend. No one would have the audacity to search you as such.

J 

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

Sent: December 12, 2009 7:42 AM

Subject: Additional help

My Dearest J,

How shall the cipher be carried to present safe passage!! If lost, our fortune is lost.

Abdul

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@yemen.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: December 12, 2009 7:44 AM

Subject: Re: Additional help

Abdul,

I will transfer the much needed money, my investment. I will send via postal a very special pair of underpants (hope this is not offensive to you), with a hidden department in the “more sensitive area” where the cipher can be hidden. It will pass the most rigorous security. I will see you on December 25 at the Detroit airport.

Best wishes my friend.

J:) xxoo

To: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

From: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@cityofdetroit.gov]

Sent: December 26, 2009 8:22 PM

Subject: I hate you

I hate you. I hate you. You infidel. What pleasure to me are 72 virgins without my XXXXX which has been BURNED off!!!

Do not ever contact me again. I hate you.

P.S. I just now understand your system is working for me. Pleasing meals, prayer times, no one interrogations me, no one speaking to me with harsh tones wanting information, my brothers in Yemen are safe from my tongue, I speak to no one if I choose not. INCLUDING YOU!! My lawyer representative at law told me to say nothing.

Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab

To: Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab [mailto:ababdul@cityofdetroit.gov]

From: Jnapolitano@homelandsecurity.gov

Sent: January 6, 2010 2:22 AM

Subject: Re: I hate you

Listen Abdulmutallab, just as I suspected, you were trying to scam me. I never believed a word you said. I was stringing you along, gathering intelligence. You have no idea with whom you are dealing.

It looks like the last laugh is on you, Mr. Disaster-maker. I happen to know that the State Department has revoked your U.S. visa. How do you like them apples?

P.S. If someone wanted to get in touch with DR GALADIMA HASSEIN, how would she go about contacting him? But not about the chests of money, of course.

Janet Napolitano

The score: Muslim terrorists responsible for 9/11 = 18. The subsequent attempts at terrorism on United States soil include those of Richard Reid, the Muslim terrorist who attempted to detonate a shoe bomb on a flight from Paris to Miami, and Abdul Mudallah, who attempted to detonate a bomb over Detroit. Muslim terrorist attempts and successes at terrorism via airplanes = 21. Christian, Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, etc. attempts and successes at terrorism via airplanes = 0.

The White House has labeled this an act of terrorism.

Janet Napolitano made the perfunctory appearances on the Sunday morning talk shows, as politicians do when selling something, or cleaning up a an asinine statement they made the day before. She became more incoherent, confused, and detached from reality with each successive interview. She tried to clean up her Sunday morning discombobulation on Monday morning, but after appearing inebriated with fermented “hope and change,”  she has thusly resigned herself to release a carefully worded accidental exposé to clarify the Obama administration’s stance on the “T” word and explain how the system was a glaring success and failure simultaneously.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano’s statement regarding the incident:

I first want to apologize for the White House’s use of the word terrorism in their statement. This was an unfortunate involuntary impulse. Keep in mind that the term “terrorism” was a Bush administration dysphemism to fuel the “politics of fear,” and is much too inflammatory for this administration’s tastes. Your president, Barack Obama, has asked me to give a shout-out to the New York Times for their exemplary reporting of Northwest Flight 253. Not once did they use the term “Muslim,” or “terrorist” unless within the context of a quote. Their superbly written article could just as well have been describing any one of the many white supremacists from a Southern Republican voting district, any military veteran, any anti-abortion proponent, or any gun control opponent, or any Christian that takes the Bible literally.

The right-wing terror media has labeled this an act of Islamic terrorism. Let me be clear, just because this individual’s name happens to be Abdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, was on a plane over a major U.S. city, tried to detonate a bomb to destroy the plane, kill all passengers aboard, including himself, has admitted that he is an Al Qaeda operative, received his explosive device and instructions in Yemen from Al Qaeda, does not automatically make him a terrorist, especially an Islamic terrorist. What we are dealing with here is a passenger-made disturbance, not to be confused with a passenger-made disaster.

We are looking at all possibilities. The passengers who subdued this gentleman, especially the white male Dutch passenger, are also persons of interest for a possible violation of Mr. M’s civil rights, especially his freedom to practice his non-Christian religion unencumbered. Nothing at this stage has been ruled out. We have myriad suspects from this flight who may or may not have been involved in a civil rights violation.

We are unsure at this point as to why this young gentleman would attempt to detonate a bomb on this flight. He has no apparent ties to the Republican Party, the military, anti-gun control groups, or various other “terrorist” organizations. We are also looking into the possibility that the lack of publicly funded single-payer  health insurance plan could be an extenuating factor in Mr. M’s apparent distress.

It’s true that Mr. M’s name was not on the Transportation Safety Authority’s no-fly list. And for legitimate reasons. Even though his name was on every conceivable terrorist watch list in the entire world, and his father warned the U.S. Embassy in Nigeria about his son’s inclinations toward jihad against the United States, there was insufficient derogatory information available on Mr. M for the TSA to add him to the no-fly list. We deal with hard facts, not speculation. Just because someone is on an international terror list, was denied a visa by Britain, visited Yemen, paid cash for a one-way ticket to the U.S., brought one piece of luggage for an extended stay in the U.S., did not have a passport, does not warrant being on the TSA’s no-fly list; this is profiling, and will not be tolerated by this administration. We are certain that our overseas contingency plan worked as planned. We have it on record that he was forced to remove his shoes, and did not carry-on more than one ounce of shampoo. But the pair of magic underpants he was wearing, well that may well be a religious formality, and we have legal looking into it. There is no suggestion that the alleged suspect was improperly screened.

Rest assured that the system we have in place worked to perfection and did not work to perfection. Mr. M’s alleged attempt at a passenger-caused disaster was successfully detained after the flight landed. This validated the system. Before the landing, there may have been areas where the system could be tweaked.

We have put into place the following new procedures: all passengers will have to remain in their seats for the last hour of their flights, no personal items allowed in passengers laps for the last hour of their flights, hands placed upon the knees, and looking straight ahead. These new rules should not be taken as an instruction manual  to go to the restroom well before an hour before landing and assemble an explosive device, then return to your seat with an activated explosive device well before the last hour of the flight. That would be a violation of the new rules that are in effect.