Why Gas Prices Are So High

Those wacky Democrats are at it again, God bless ‘em.

I read the following article in the TheHill this past Friday. For the ill-informed, it may appear as a satirical news piece, but rest assured it’s true.

Dems ask FTC to investigate high gas prices

By Klaus Marre

House Democratic leaders on Friday asked the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) to make use of its authority to investigate the high price of gasoline.

“The FTC must no longer delay action on implementing the mandate from Congress to stop market manipulation as American families and businesses struggle to deal with record gas prices,” said the Democratic leaders, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif.) and Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (Md.), in a letter to the FTC.

The lawmakers note that Congress last year passed legislation that directs the agency to “ensure that the U.S. petroleum market is free from price or supply manipulation.”

“Utilized effectively, this new authority will substantially strengthen consumer protections against high energy prices,” the Democrats said. However, they lament that the FTC “has failed to exercise its power to protect consumers from skyrocketing energy costs.”

The lawmakers are calling for “aggressive oversight” to make sure that the oil industry is not manipulating prices by cutting back production or taking other measures.

Democrats have been trying to more aggressively tackle the issue of high gasoline costs after having been called out by House Republicans to reveal their plans to help Americans who are feeling the steep prices at the pump.

After reading the Democrat’s concerns, my sentiments were on par with the Democrat leader’s chagrin over the ever increasing gas prices and why. I understand the range of emotions they have experienced in the past year and a half–anger, dismay, confusion, and overall disorientation.

Fortunately, I have a friend, Roswell Stephens, that I went to the academy with who is in the employ of the FTC. He just so happens to be head of the department that would answer the Democrat’s query. He is the head of the Department of Congressional Rhetorical Questions. The department used to have 4 part-time employees but, coincidently, since the congressional election of 2006, it now employs a full-time staff of 75.

I called my friend Ross to try and procure a direct answer from him on the concerns of Congress and, unselfishly, for myself. I asked him how they would ascertain the answer–Audit the oil companies? Audit the retailers? Audit the distributors? He answered no to all and said they would continue to use the same method they have employed since the new Congress was seated. They will put it forth in a mathematical equation and send it to a civilian contractor and evaluate the answers.

“Who is the contractor?” I asked.

“We contract mostly with a 5th grade class in Omaha, Nebraska,” he said.

My interest was really piqued at this point, so I asked him to elaborate.

“Here is the sample question that we are proposing for the 5th grade class:”

If crude oil prices are $45 per barrel and the price of a of gasoline is $1.50 per gallon, then if oil prices rise to $80 per barrel and the price of a gallon of gas rises to $2.35, what would the approximate price of a gallon of gasoline be if a barrel of crude oil rose to $110 per barrel?

a) .50 cents per gallon

b) 1.10 per gallon

c) $3.49 per gallon

For a fleeting second I forgot that I was a quasi- mature adult and my hand shot up in the air faster than Michelle Obama’s blood pressure when asked, “Don’t you just love this country?”

I know this answer. “C,” I shouted.

“Correct,” Ross said.

“That was too simple,” I said.

“Most of the answers are, Ross answered. If 95% of the class goes with one answer, we usually just go with that. We have to make most of the questions simple enough so the answers aren’t over their heads.”

“The 5th graders?” I asked.

“No, Congress,” he stated flatly.

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